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the foods pretty gross [07 Sep 2008|03:00am] [ mood | artistic ] i was part of the us army i wore the same uniforms that murderers wear ate the same food that they ate slept, showered and shit all the same my face became unrecognizable and with a m16, so did my hands i no longer knew who stared back in the reflection of a mirror i was invisible, i was the same i was no different then all the other lost souls searching for someone to fight other them themselves wanting to forget the inner battle and shoot it through the barrel of weapons "for a cause bigger then themselves" a cause no one understood. you only have to give your soul your right to think your right to live and sign the dotted line. i began to feel as if "id rather die then be a part of this" i got tylonal, swallowed 40 the next week was the strangest week of my life. i didn't die i was hospitalized the dr. was hospitable he held my hand, brushed the hair from my face told me everything would be okay after this theyd take me to another place i was put on a stretcher i don't remember what it looked like inside the ambulance i think i fell asleep how can i forget something like that? i went to a place called wilford hall where i could no longer go 6 feet near the exit i was strip searched they took my shoe laces my fucking shoe laces so my tennis shoes went "plop, plop, plop" as i walked i really appreciate shoe laces now. all my belongings went into a paper bag and locked in a cabinet. people came and went while i was there. there was a young man named thomas he looked like a serial killer was only in the air force for 2 days before they put him away he was really tall, had a thick ny accent with a grocery list of issues. they was an old man who was ex air force suicidal i dilation's they gave him ritalin by mistake before bed when i woke he was sitting in the big room listing numbers he counted ceiling tiles screws and paintings all night long made a list and memorized it. another young man named matt he was an alcoholic liked to try and kill himself when he drank he was a character drew pictures of himself and beer then would circle it and put a line through it. they liked us to color. there was another young man named jeff who was anxious and would sit 30 seconds then get up and circle the halls constantly he told me he loved me that he wanted to see me outside of this place we would kiss right outside our room with the doors open so the cameras couldnt see us. i never saw him again after he left. the gave me ambiem to sleep i learned to stay awake you start to trip because your mind goes into rem state. i spilled my soul to these people at group knowing i would never see them again knowing that i would never forget them. lost souls, faced with having to fight the inner battle, again. 3 gave in .everybodys.doing.it.

[25 Oct 2006|05:10am] I find myself more serious then I ever have been. I dont know what it is. I guess I've found myself in a complex. I don't know if my hands are made for a gun. I don't know if my soul is ready for war. I don't know if I am finished with my childhood, or if I even ever had one. I've been stuck in such an alternate reality. I had parents but I didn't. I had boundries but chose freedom and rebellion. I have never stuck wtih anything my entire life. I chose a path that would give me everything I need if I only choose to give my all. I am scared. I am over joyed. I am astounded at myself. I'm feelings things I've never felt before. I feel like a child, but I feel like an adult. I hate the feelings you encounter in this period of growing up. I ship out in 3 weeks. 21 days exactly. .everybodys.doing.it.

dfgdfgdg [03 Sep 2006|02:35am] I told him not to fall in love with me. I told him to promise and he told me he couldn't promise and laughed while responding that I am silly. What round is this? 18345? Ding ding ding. We may finally have a winner and all I can think about is running as far away as I can. When did this get thrown in my lap? Someone who is going encredibly far in life, is almost there and has treated me better and with more respect then any guy I have ever KNOWN. All I can think about it, uhh, wheres the music and rebellion? Whered the late night drives around town and singalongs go. This guy isn't into that. Where has my social norm of punk rock gone. I'm invited to thanksgiving. All the way in PA. Panic much? We are so entirly different. I'm planing on sleeves. I have ink lined up for the next month or so and having my other shit drawn up. What's he gonna do when he realizes im not part of his society? When he can't take me places without people going he's with a girl who looks like that? AH! I won't conform, it honestly makes me want to be more different. I don't know what to do with this. On the other hand I've figured out what I would like to double major in. 2 of the 3. Phsycology, music appreciation and journalism. I figure I can try to become a music critic, do something I would enjoy muchly and be passionate about as well. I thought of Kris while fucking him in order to get off. Lovely,eh? 1 gave in .everybodys.doing.it.

love i dont have to love [13 Aug 2006|02:47am] [ mood | relaxed ] [ music | bright eyes ] I picked you out Of a crowd and talked to you Said I liked your shoes You said thanks can I follow you? So it's up the stairs And out of view No prying eyes I poured some wine I asked your name you asked the time Now it's two o'clock, the club is closed we're up the block Your hands on me I'm pressing hard against your jeans Your tongue in my mouth Trying to keep the words from coming out You didn't care to know Who else may have been you before I want a lover I don't have to love I want a girl who's too sad to give a fuck Where's the kid with the chemicals? I thought he said to meet me here but I'm not sure I got the money if you got the time You said it feels good I said I'll give it a try Then my mind went dark We both forgot where your car was parked Let's just take the train I'll meet up with the band in the morning Bad actors with bad habits Some sad singers They just play tragic And the phone's ringing And the van's leaving Let's just keep touching Let's just keep keep singing I want a lover I don't have to love I want a boy who's so drunk he doesn't talk Where's the kid with the chemicals I got a hunger and I can't seem to get full I need some meaning I can memorize The kind I have always seems to slip my mind But you but you You write such pretty words But life's no story book Love's an excuse to get hurt And to hurt "Do you like to hurt?" "I do! I do!" "Then hurt me." -Bright Eyes .everybodys.doing.it.

[30 Jul 2006|01:39am] Everything has had a huge turnaround. <333 .everybodys.doing.it.

[27 Jul 2006|02:43am] My body is tired and achy. My mind is on overload. I remember when I knew what date it was, when I didn't have to think really hard to remeber what day of the week it is and then realize it's almost the weekend again and wonder what happend to my time. It's wasted, and so am I. I hate the unknown, and big changes. I am conteracting my feelings, I know what I'm feeling is fake but I can't feel real. I want to splatter my brains on my pretty postered and pictured walls. I can't sleep. I can't stop thinking. Whatever happend to wanting to wake up in the morning instead of dreading the next day? .everybodys.doing.it.

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